


Suck My Board Bitch

by manicExpressive



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Actors, Blogging, Gen, Snarky Banter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 11:51:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10217411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manicExpressive/pseuds/manicExpressive
Summary: Salty movie blogger Isak Valtersen takes some of his viewers' suggestions and watches a new indie film starring one Even Bech Næsheim. He's not exactly thrilled and has no problem expressing it.Apparently, neither does Even.





	

**Author's Note:**

> isaks-even@tumblr posted this prompt that I just had to try and fill: 
> 
> au where isak is a grumpy movie blogger who follows up-and-coming actor even on social media. while even is on a ski trip isak writes a harsh critique on even’s abysmal performance in his latest movie, ending it with ‘stick to snowboarding’ to which even replies with ‘suck my board bitch’ and that’s how an online feud of epic proportions starts in which both get obsessed and come up with more and more colourful comebacks as time goes on until they eventually meet in person and feel the instant chemistry

He didn’t really mean for it to become a thing. Everyone spent time uselessly shouting their opinions into the void—that was basically why the internet was created, as far most were concerned. But for whatever reason, his particular spin seemed to strike the right chord with a few people, who told their friends, and then their friends. And before he realized it, Isak Valtersen had a Wordpress, a Twitter account, and the unyielding devotion of thousands of equally salty fans online.

And salty was the name of the game. Truthfully, Isak never pretend to have any sort of refined taste in cinema. Hell, he found Nicholas Cage to be compelling at times and honestly thought that some of Michael Bay’s cinematic decisions were worthy of repeat viewing. But that was part of his charm—he said what he said, he liked what he liked. There was a growing sense of confidence that came from ranting and raving behind a computer screen. At least in the virtual world, he felt like he had a handle on himself.

That’s when the suggestions began to pour in. There were some movies that Isak outright snubbed. _La La Land?_ Please. But he was totally seeing _Deadpool._ The blockbusters were easy, it was the smaller, indie and low-budget films that really started to fill up his inbox. So out of boredom, Isak decided to try a few. His followers knew what he liked, didn’t they?

Except apparently some of them didn’t.

_An Imposter Called Honesty_ was probably one of the worst movies he’s see in a long time. And he actually _liked_ the _Transformers_ franchise.

He was honestly a little disappointed. He’d gotten more than a few requests to review this film and apparently the lead actor Even Bech Næsheim was becoming something of a big deal. He was a little sad because he even bothered to follow the guy on Instagram to see what all the fuss was about. It was his third full-length film and he’d had a decent career on the stage prior. But it ended up being some overly pretentious indie bullshit with a plot that was overly complicated, weird camera angles, and little to no resolution in the end.

Boring.

**“If you’ve got nothing to do on a Saturday night, don’t do this”** was the name of the article:

> If you’ve got nothing to do this Saturday night, you’ll thank yourself for not doing this. Seriously. I’ve spent hours watching random B-grade movies before and I don’t think you can put this on an actual scale. This is exactly why I don’t bother going to film festivals, people who are too wrapped up in their “vision” who can’t figure out how to put it on screen make movies. This is why you don’t get a budget. _An Imposter Called Honesty_ pretty much hits this.
> 
> You’ve got Kjell, played by Even Bech Næsheim, and Bodil, played by Liv Boldstad, who are living pretty boring lives, and you get to watch them at the same time. At first it seemed like it might be kind of cool in a parallel universe kind of way, but I’m pretty sure the point behind showing two movies going on at the same time got lost about ten minutes in. And it’s an hour-long film.
> 
> I’m not sure if this is supposed to be some sort of metaphor for living your life honestly or whatever, but if I wanted to watch a chick flick I would’ve at least picked up a movie with Ryan Gosling. I think it was supposed to be a love story to some extent, but then there was this weird cabbage scene and a fight with Bodil’s aunt. Drama llama.
> 
> Liv Boldstad made Bodil cute half the time, but otherwise she could’ve been overlooked. Even Bech Næsheim, on the other hand, totally overplayed it which was maybe an attempt to save an awful script, but I really can’t tell. He relied on his perfectly styled hair to carry his performance, and if his recent Instagram photos are showing what he’s up to when he’s not acting? He should just stick to snowboarding.
> 
> Wouldn’t recommend. Nothing happens. Probably should call it _An Imposter of a Good Film_. What I wouldn’t give for those 60 minutes of my life back. I’m pretty sure you guys told me to watch this because you like to see me suffer. Thanks, assholes.
> 
> No love,
> 
> Isak

It didn’t change anything for Isak, but it helped. Something about writing about his grievances was therapeutic, even if those grievances were being mildly annoyed but movies.

He posted it.

* * *

 

The following morning, his Twitter was alive. Some followers were having a ball, cackling and live-posting their own reactions to his review. A few told Isak he had zero taste, which he rolled his eyes to. But there was one account he was mentioned on that stuck out.

**evbech97**

Isak clicked on his Twitter notification.

And there he was—a photo of Even Bech Næsheim out on the slopes, with a Viking hat emoji on his head. Underneath his picture was the simple line,

##  **@isakyaki** suck my board bitch

It had over three-hundred likes.

_This asshole._

**@evbech97** i can only imagine where that’s been

He was mildly shocked when a reply followed right away.

**@isakyaki** I’m always auditioning for a new leading lady.

**@evbech97** is this why you can’t read your cue cards?take off your emoji, i’m a guy.

**@isakyaki** You could’ve fooled me. :)

**@evbech97** did a review by some rando guy online burn you that bad?

**@isakyaki** Not really. If anything, I feel better.

**@evbech97** calling bs

**@isakyaki** I can’t take the opinions of anyone who actually thinks of Michael Bay as a cinematic genius to heart.

**@evbech97** youre one of those guys

**@isakyaki** With standards? Yes, I like to think so. For a movie blogger you really don’t enjoy movies, do you?

**@evbech97** uh, no?why else would i watch them if i didn’t like to?

**@isakyaki** I’m not calling out your need for masochism, just your poor taste in movies.

**@evbech97** your movie sucked man. that’s the way it is

**@isakyaki** It’s not about my movie. National Treasure, Isak? Really?

**@evbech97** are you seriously reading my old reviews bc i wrote you a shitty one

**@isakyaki** You’re practically the Roger Ebert of Reddit film reviews. Of course I’m reading them.

**@isakyaki** Besides, I don’t think it was that shitty.

**@evbech97** uhhhh did the whole “waste my time” thing go over your hair?

**@isakyaki** Well considering the choice was between Ryan Gosling and myself… ;)

**@evbech97** wtf

**@evbech97** i was not comparing you to ryan gosling

**@isakyaki** I’m detecting a closet fan of The Notebook.

**@evbech97** this is pointless

**@isakyaki** Or was it Crazy, Stupid, Love?

**@evbech97** bye ****

**@isakyaki** Except I don’t see it on your site. What would you give it? 10/10 for good hair? 

**@isakyaki** Although you did say mine was perfect. I’m glad you paid attention to the important things in that movie. <3

**@isakyaki** OMG. Is that. Is that James Cameron’s Avatar?

Isak switched off his phone. He’s basically never been contacted by an actor before, if Even if he wanted to pretend he was one.

What was this guy’s problem?

 

And what was wrong with _Avatar??_

**Author's Note:**

> This was just random and fun to write! Obviously I only filled the first part of the prompt since the rest would require...more time. But what do you think! Should I turn this into another multi-part fic? I appreciate all feedback!
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr @isakyakiniku.
> 
> Thanks everyone!
> 
> EDIT: For some reason the emojis cut off most of the twitter convo?? SORRY ABOUT THAT! Switched them to plain text.


End file.
